So your city council is going to pass a resolution honoring the 71st birthday of the United Nations, but is too busy to fix a pothole that broke three axles last month.
Welcome to my world. I’m convinced that my former home town is the leftiest, most delusional hamlet in all 57 states. Cotati, CA, a city that makes it nearly impossible to open a McDonalds, but fast-tracks applications for recreational marijuana outlets.
Of course, Cotati faces stiff competition from Sebastopol, which is seven miles to the left and even closer to the edge of the continent. In 1986, the city proudly passed a resolution declaring themselves to be a Nuclear-Free Zone (although they were never invited to become Fukushima’ s Sister City). They even have a sign at the city limits that tells you how nuke-free they are.
But there’s a chance you may live in a town, city, or county that is even more wrongheaded, and that’s your opportunity to win lasting shame and 7,200 calories of creamy marshmallow Double Decker MoonPie for you and your favorite elected body. The rules are simple. Convince the judge (me) that your hometown cabal of twits have made your lot even more miserable than the Cotati city council has made mine. The winner receives two dozen MoonPies, 12 for you, and 12 to present to your local city council or county supervisors at their next public meeting.
To show you how to properly suck up to the judge, here’s how I score Cotati vs. Sebastopol:
Sebastopol: Kept Mr. Atom out of town for 25 years.
Cotati: Would love to make the Big Mac an endangered species.
Sebastopol: City Engineer declares that carwashes held by cheerleaders put pollutants in city drains, and are illegal.
Cotati: Neglects to replace missing American flag at heart of town for over two years.
Advantage: Cotati, by a nose.
Sebastopol: Refuses to use pesticides in city parks.
Cotati: Pays consultants and staff $1.4 million to create a Downtown Specific Plan that will take 30 years to build and require $73 Million of Federal grants, which will never arrive.
So now you know how unscientific the judging is. When every item mentioned violates the laws of gravity and common sense, that’s the way it is. But there may be places where gravity holds even less sway: Seattle, Berkeley, Burlington, Madison, or wherever else you may be.
Just take a good look around, and see if your town or county has found even dumber ways to control your life, dent your liberty, or bitch-slap your pursuit of happiness. Then send your nomination to me here, as a comment to this post. Winner will be announced July 4, 2019.